"Finally, we had a breakthrough. We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS. We didn't talk about them at all. We didn't bring them up even once. Instead, we put our energy into trying to connect. We used certain relationship techniques that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences; we fell in love again! And we did it not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were), but by establishing new relationship habits that brought positive energy to our marriage." https://marriagemax.com/mc2
I try to bring this point across to my couples in counselling who present in conflict and spend the session having a go at each other. It is precisely this mode of interaction that has got them where they are - on the brink of a divorce. It takes a courageous and wise person to notice that the mode of relating is not working and instead of calling for divorce, will take responsibility and decide to step out of the conflict zone. Imago and Couples Centered Counselling Transformation focuses primarily on restoring connection. I do not allow my couples to do what they do at home - fight. I gently nurture the connection between them by teaching a them to interact in a differently.
Through dialogue we teach a new way to talk to each other. One that does not break each other down, one that doesn't keep the relationship in survival mode, but creates opportunities for growth, maturity and sustainability in the relationship. Couples say they find hope where they were hopeless, and the sense of a future, when they saw no hope of staying together prior to coming for counselling.
Gottman tells us we need the relationship of positive to negative inputs into our relationship needs to be 5:1, five positives for every negative. www.gottman.com. This takes focus and commitment and a movement away from always wanting to be right, to giving priority to a loving connection. Let's make the world a better place by creating loving connection in all whom we encounter, but especially with those we love.